Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though it often seems hilarious, the powers that be are far from indifferent to your cries of suffering and pleas for help. They think they’re downright sickening.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your life story will bring much-needed happiness and laughter to the world, especially the hilarious ending.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sadly, there is nothing in this world that can ever bring back your dead loved ones. Happily, most things in the world can be used to send your hated ones away.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your life will seem boring and empty until you discover what that otherwise useless other gender is actually for.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It’s a mixed week for you regarding personal triumphs. You will win a longstanding argument with an obstinate Pisces, but lose your long-running battle with Cancer.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will wake from the best sleep of your life to find that you’ve been catapulted through the windshield by the force of the airbag deploying.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that tomorrow will be a good day to die a noble death in the service of humanity. Unfortunately, they have bad news for you about this afternoon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sometimes people don’t say what they really mean. For instance, they may say the words “big fat stupid asshole” when they really mean “big dumb jerkasaurus.”
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens when your tragic tale of sexual profligacy and rampant drug abuse is turned into the coolest PSA of all time.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While it’s true that 2012 is your year, that just means you’re responsible for its upkeep and maintenance, so you’d really better get going on that.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a thousand stars, which is appropriate, as in broad daylight you’re actually not that impressive.