Taurus | April 20 to May 20
They’ve taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then, they have access to a thesaurus.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family’s priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ve never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of “Head Whiner.”
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ve always prided yourself on being able to both “talk the talk” and “walk the walk,” but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter’s fourth birthday.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve heard the saying “you are what you eat” many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.