Taurus | April 20 to May 20

For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ve managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses’ bodies.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you’d feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

If there’s one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven’t thought of it yet.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you’ve gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

People are free to think whatever they want, but you’re pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You won’t be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It’s not that she no longer loves you, it’s that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The smell still won’t go away. It won’t. It won’t. It won’t.