Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. Daytime Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will† stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You look handsome and dashing in you brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.