Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Take comfort in the fact that we are all part of a larger plan, although really it’s more of an eons-spanning game of universal domination played by uncaring immortals than a “plan.”
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll need to find new solutions to the same old problems this week, mostly because you’re really building up quite a tolerance to alcohol.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
For the next week, laws will not apply to you, which is a real pain, as you’ve become pretty accustomed to Newton’s first and third.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This is a terrible week to make decisions about your love life, although to be perfectly honest, the problem’s less with the week and more with you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s time to make people take you more seriously. If they don’t respond to your demands within a half-hour of reading this, start killing the hostages.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Walk confidently in the direction of your life’s dreams, but be warned that it’s really quite a long walk to Sea World.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Although no one is currently keeping statistics on falcon attacks, your next few weeks will motivate several people to begin considering the necessity.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
People say you’re too easygoing, unmotivated, and accepting of your own flaws, but you’ll learn to live with that.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The great thing about dogs is they still feel the same way about you when your back is turned. In related news, you’ll never see the Doberman attack coming.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While it’s true there are only two kinds of people in the world, the stars believe it would be unkind to tell you just how much better than you the other one is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It turns out that pianos hardly ever suddenly fall out of twelfth story windows onto people, although you’ll have a hard time feeling special about it.