Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.