Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.