Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your belief that “there’s no room for second place” creates friction between you and your spouse when you are blessed with twins but disagree over which one to keep.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your faith in a well-ordered universe is shattered when Jesus Christ comes down off the cross and beats you with a half-empty gin bottle, screaming that disco is not dead.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your psyche suffers retroactive trauma this week when, after you break up with your scientist lover, he invents a time machine and travels back to the ’70s to ruin your once-happy childhood.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They said they’d be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren’t all that important and it’s been almost 14 years.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
November brings with it a need for inner cleansing. Use industrial-grade lye and a long-handled wire brush.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
That special someone who keeps promising to buy you sexy underwear finally does, but you are unable to persuade him to take it off his head.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about to whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The older you get, the more you’re convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won’t give you much time for the big joys.