Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that’s a lot of wolves to fight off.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Try listening to your body this week. It’s got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After days of searching, you’ll finally find comfort this week. Just above “comforter,” and right below “confit.”
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
By this time next year, you’ll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: Guns aren’t toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, “No.”
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
What’s the matter? Couldn’t find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here’s your fortune: Go die, asshole.