Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don’t worry: They’re not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They’re laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don’t need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there’s a few feet of rope also involved.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It’s not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It’s your Uncanny X-Men issues.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn’t surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’d pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which, come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There’s nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you’d be all set.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It will be born with 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.