Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While being a good friend means telling the truth, you’ll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let’s face it—a “pompous fuck.”
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you’ll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember: It’s all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ve never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sure, a spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it’s suppositories you’re struggling with, the spoon isn’t going to help.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it’s becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.