Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it’s true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.