Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it’s merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren’t actual brothers.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there’s more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They say that chivalry is dead, though it’s kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn’t technically qualify as a speech impediment.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’re not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week when they leave you out in the sun.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: Some problems can’t be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don’t neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail them to a cross, and worship them.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they’re referring to it as, appointment viewing.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father’s door.