Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it’s merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren’t actual brothers.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there’s more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

They say that chivalry is dead, though it’s kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn’t technically qualify as a speech impediment.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’re not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week when they leave you out in the sun.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Remember: Some problems can’t be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Don’t neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail them to a cross, and worship them.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they’re referring to it as, appointment viewing.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father’s door.

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