Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While it’s true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you’re pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven’s Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve always believed that you’ve left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you’ll end the day as the oldest woman ever inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometimes it’s better to actually help people out of the burning building.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Although you are firmly convinced that there are some things mankind was just not meant to know, you’re not exactly sure how you’re supposed to be able to tell what they are.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Juggling three young children isn’t easy for any mother, but then, that’s why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Turns out it’s not your relationship with your father that’s been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot-long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Due to the high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you’ll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you’ve been pointing them out to couldn’t be more bored if she tried.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you’d probably prefer something you can actually use.