Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You go down in history as the world’s lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo, and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation’s medical textbooks.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week’s football pool.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a Polack, and three guys from Minnesota.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Confusion is in store for you this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth’s population but sparing you.