Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A mistake in your will results in the words “Please Take One” being chiseled into your tombstone.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president’s proposal for a new, nationwide “asshole tax.”
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your refusal to super-size your meal will ultimately result in your starvation.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word “hoopty.”
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner and squint ominously.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will never achieve your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of “The dog did it” is of absolutely no help—even though it’s actually true this time.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the postman.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.