Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It’s true that animals like you, but that’s mostly because you’re fat and slow and will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It’s not the hammer of life that’s going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for more gravy.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If nothing else, next week will certainly be a lesson to you about listening to Dan when he gives you advice about good sources of all-natural fiber.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They’ll say it’s for your own good, but you really don’t see how this much electricity running through your genitals could possibly be beneficial.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Learn to appreciate the little things in life, because the big things will either cost more than you have or take more time than you’ve got left.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Jealousy will rear its ugly head in your life next week, look around, blink, burst out laughing, and then tell Envy, Lust, and Greed to get a load of how pathetic you are.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your growing belief that there are monsters in the closet wouldn’t be a concern if you weren’t in command of so many main battle tanks.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s true they say that all’s fair in love and war, but actually, the use of hollow-point ammunition and mustard gas is banned in both.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The doctors will claim you’re only coming in for a routine checkup, but as soon as you’re through the door, your archenemy’s theme music will ring across the operating theater.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You never thought you’d be the type to laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag, but that was before you found a recipe for ball-bearing-and-glass pie.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Try and get back to basics this week. Learning to dress yourself, brush your teeth, and eat with utensils would be a good place to start.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Nothing you’ve ever been through has prepared you for how much you miss Kate. Every other time you’ve missed people either somewhat more or a little less, so this time is new.