Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Due to conditions beyond fate’s control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.

Advertisement

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene, and matches.

Advertisement

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.

Advertisement

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.

Advertisement

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.

Advertisement

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Virgo 12th out of 12 star signs.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.

Advertisement

Share This Story

Get our newsletter