Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Due to conditions beyond fate’s control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene, and matches.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Virgo 12th out of 12 star signs.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.