Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your ego will be irreparably damaged this week when your girlfriend leaves you for some guy named Dave, a “much better cartographer.”
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your obsession with England’s royal family ends this week when you realize that you are not one of them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your children run away from home when they discover the Dalmatian puppy you gave them is actually a spotted opossum.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don’t really mind Ryan.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial “To Get To The Other Side” theory.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.