Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will begin to see things differently this week when your eyes are suddenly replaced with a set of novelty video filters.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll wake up in strangers’ beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Sometimes it’s useful to be literal-minded, but for the love of God, please stop coming up with new ways to skin a cat.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It’s nice that you finally found someone to love and who also loves you, but a moment’s consideration should be all you need to realize that this does not constitute an adequate reason to live.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Okay, the stars are sorry that they made you wear a gorilla suit all last week for what turned out to be no reason, but it’s really, truly, vitally important that you wear a Carmen Miranda fruit hat everywhere for the next few days.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars indicate that fortune is in your future this week. Really. All 140 trillion of them in the known universe talked it over in one of their star meetings and they all agreed that yeah, you’re getting lots of money.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Take heart: A higher power does indeed hear your prayers, and as soon as it can figure out exactly where they’re coming from, it’s going to do something about them once and for all.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s not that people won’t care when you fall screaming and flaming from the sky next week. They’ve just gotten used to you by now is all.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Playing the lottery every week and losing should give you insights into what’s wrong with your life, particularly because you almost never recognize any of the winning numbers.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You love saying that Jesus never said a word against your lifestyle, but in fact He spoke out many times against the practice of murdering people in cold blood.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be spiritually elevated to a new dimension, but unfortunately it will only be a new dimension in storage solutions for home and office.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While it may not be true that everyone has something they do better than anyone else, the stars cannot remember the last time they so enjoyed watching someone flee angry zoo animals.