Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will be denied auto insurance due to your seventh major moving violation this week. 

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your attempt to sleep with the boss’ spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

All your troubles come to a end when you discover that gin is an adequate replacement for love.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America’s 10 best cities in which to raise children.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting coworkers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local car dealer.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your sticker collection, leaving you to die.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a “crotch-less” panty.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, “World’s Greatest Parent.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.

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