Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
Aries | March 21 to April 19
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share of advantages. That's it.