Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that’ll be hard to tell just by looking at you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later its bound to run out of donuts.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that’s no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It’s not everyday that money just falls out of the sky, but thanks to the Sears Tower, existential hopelessness, and pockets filled with change, it will today.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thankfully for you, his are completely bloodshot.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’d really like to know where the people who say, “another day, another dollar” are getting their money from.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn’t work on you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll take it like a man this week, which pretty much just means you’ll be too embarrassed to ask what “it” is.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars can’t decide what’s more embarrassing, the fact that you still live out of a suitcase, or that you’re a professional ventriloquist dummy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ve always thought you’d make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.