Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn’t last another 100 years, but that’s because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
On sale this week at Cancer: Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Verrazano Bridge, and into the harbor.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
No one likes to hear that they’re going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.