Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you’re a 1960s girl group.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
New mindscapes open before you when your cat’s ear mites bore their way into your brain’s temporal lobe.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Looking back, you can’t figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that “forty” is not “the F-word.”
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you’re an Aries.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.