Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who’s always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.