Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

Aries | March 21 to April 19

For centuries, fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week before going soft and filling with mold two days later.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90% of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain’s memory center will soon give you the fresh start you’ve been searching for.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height. 

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Don’t be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Don’t listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars think it’s time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

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