Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.