Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase 3 tons of brick and cement instead.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which, truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill, and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're a natural-born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.