Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Seriously, almost everyone these days knows that the whale is a mammal and not a fish, and therefore those guys aren’t sleeping with you for your brains.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
After three exhausting weeks, you’ll be embarrassed and infuriated to learn that the Marine Corps motto is not in fact “Semper Fellatio.”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
God will sincerely apologize to the rest of the hemisphere this week, but explains the snowstorms were the only way to prevent you from wearing those awful sandals.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll finally start to get calls about that invisible hovercraft you have for sale when the CIA declassifies thousands of previously classified ads.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Traveling the world for five years certainly taught you things you’d never have learned otherwise, but you wish someone had told you the hot dog was on a string tied to a stick on your hat.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Birthday parties have been ruined in some strange ways over the years, but no one will ever top the sick shit you’re going to pull next Thursday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’re not the kind of person who likes to ask for help, but for Christ’s sake, that’s an overturned city bus you’re trapped under.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
People born under your sign are tough but fair, gruff but lovable, and faithful to a fault, but the stars refuse to take responsibility for you huffing all that paint thinner.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’re certainly the kind of person no one likes to fuck with. Or make out with, hold hands with, or even hug, for that matter.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
To his credit, the coroner will apologize to your family, but they’ll be forced to admit that “Rectum? Damn thing killed him!” was appropriate considering the circumstances.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Love will be everywhere this week, leaving you nowhere to hide when it gets violent and ugly the way it always does.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’re getting better at figuring out what your dreams really mean. However, all that stuff that happens when you’re awake is still pretty baffling.