Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've long wished you could go back to high school knowing what you know now, but you always thought there would be magical time-travel involved when it happened.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators to figure out what happened.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Mars enters your sign this week at a very delicate moment, but because it's the planet of war and not sensitivity, it just stands there and talks while you're on the can.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Sometimes little things mean a lot, as is demonstrated by the microscopic cluster of rapidly growing cancer cells in your pancreas.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've honestly been trying hard to be a better person, but by Friday you'll discover you have a favorite professional wrestler.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've always wondered if you'd ever be in a situation where the wisdom contained in the lyrics of Hank Williams, Jr. songs didn't apply, and for you, the answer is "not yet."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're always the first to help a friend in need, but only when it means sneaking bulky, plastic-wrapped packages out of hotels in the middle of the night.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It's been more than 25 years since you were raised by wolves, so stop using that as an excuse for eating pizza with a fork like some kind of jerk.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it's true military budgets are being slashed across the board, don't get any ideas. They could still slaughter you if they had to.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll learn a painful lesson about accepting dares while drunk, but at least the residents of Niagara Falls will have something to talk about for a while.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You always thought ladybugs were such cute, innocent insects, but it turns out that in sufficent numbers, any creature can gnaw one's leg down to the bone.