Aries | March 21 to April 19
Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you’ll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Just when you think you’ve endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While most everyone battles inner demons, you’ll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you’re actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week when your hometown hosts its “Most Prolific Public Defecator” contest.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you’ll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you’ve gone deaf.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your family’s never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you’ll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.