Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.