Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullitt wasn't that great of a movie.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a terrific wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

This week will send you plunging into a pit of depression at the realization that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Raise your voice in anger and rail against the gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

"In The Hall Of The Mountain King" is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that 10 bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't think anyone saw you take it.